Over the last few
tours I have been known to apply my limited talents to the odd plagiarism of a
few of Felix’s poems one was partly published in Jason Kersten’s book Did I
Mention the Free Wine? Madness, Mayhem & The Muse: On tour with Felix
Dennis. These poems were mainly done to
amuse, however, this attempt is not done in jest but as a tribute to the great
man who will be missed by all who knew him.
I have heard this
poem read allowed by Felix well in excess of 100 times as it was always the
final poem of the first set wherever he read his poetry to a live
audience. To my knowledge there was one exception to
this placement within the set, during one show we had a technical fault and Felix dropped it
to get to the break earlier so that we could rectify the issue. He was heard to remark “I couldn’t let Thom
suffer any more”. The issue was quickly
sorted and the second set went off without a hitch including a late but always
loved “The Bearded Dwarf”.
So, not changed
much but for the inflection and an additional stanza.
The Bearded Dwarf - In Memory
There’s them as plan and them as chance
And them as rather walk than dance,
There’s them as never leaves the shore,
But him, he always seized an oar,
A mate or two on either side
To set their backs against the tide,
Not knowing where his prow might touch,
Nor turning round, nor caring much.
Strange it is for them as row,
Never seeing where they go,
While lubbers Nelson couldn’t teach
Shout out instructions from the beach —
Dry-sailors with their spread-sheet screens
Who count the cost of pork and beans,
New chandlers with their silly lists
Saluting flags and analysts.
He sailed the ship, He owned the line,
He swilled on bilge and drunk fine wine,
He paced the bloody jetty, too,
Not knowing how he’d pay the crew.
He’d sailed at dawn without a plan,
Faced mutiny and ’ung a man,
(’ung more than one, if truth be told);
He stacked the decks with blood and gold
Paid out upon the barrel-head
(With widows and their orphans fed
Most scrupulous, ‘cash money down’ —
He was quite the thing in Portsmouth Town).
There’s men whose backs He ’ad to flay
Who’ll tell you He worked ’ard as they,
Stood his watch and stood with ease
While younger men went on their knees;
And though the seas he sailed weren’t salt,
And though He’s not without some fault,
They lined along Canary wharf
To sail upon the Bearded Dwarf.
And why? Was it to
learn a trade
Or all the filthy gelt he made?
To ’elp convert our ’eathen kin
Or bang out weevils in a tin?
No sir! It’s just
he loved to mock
The Royal Navy, lock and stock,
To never ’ave to kneel and cow —
Or curtsey on the starboard bow.
There’s not a Navy ship that sails
Could ’ope to catch the Dwarf’s coat tails,
(Unless his crew was drunk, the sods —
And then he’d give ’em even odds
’Gainst toady jacks who buff the brass
Or kiss the first lieutenant’s arse).
No sir! He’d
rather starve afloat
Than scoff swill in a Navy boat,
A measly pint of grog a day
And ‘Christmas pud on Christmas Day’
If he’s behaved — then forced to sing
Like a choirboy: ‘God Save The King!’
“So up my lads, he’s glory bound,
The tide is turning on the Sound,
There’s native girls with luscious lips
And nowt but grass upon their hips,
There’s Spanish Dons, the old buffoons,
Their fat tubs stuffed with gold doubloons;
Strange stars there are in Southern skies —
Was he a man who’d tell you lies...?
Lined up along Canary wharf:
Sign up to sail the Bearded Dwarf!”
So now he’s sailed, this time for good
Leaving us with this great big wood
With many a leaf and branch diverse
And many a sheaf of touching verse
The time has come to say goodbye
With one small tear upon the eye
The glass half full again, be sure
So raise it high and toast once more
To the man who set the world ablaze
So we could stand and stare amazed
As we line along Canary Wharf
We will not forget the Bearded Dwarf!
